I’m depressed right now. Things have been difficult for me and I accept that’s where I’m at. Depression can feel paralyzing. I feel like I can’t control or change things, and the reality is that I can’t. There is no fast forward button, and there isn’t a way to stop feeling my feelings. Still, it hurts like a motherfucker and I want these debilitating feelings to stop. I wish there was a way for someone to rip them out of my heart. That’s where the depression starts. And I’m not good at covering up my feelings. In fact, sometimes I get criticized online for being “too vulnerable” and sharing too many feelings. I didn’t realize it was possible to have “too many feelings.” It helps me to share my feelings and know that other people out there are commiserating with me. Feeling depressed sometimes makes me feel lonely and isolated. I don’t want to feel those feelings. I want to be out there seeing my friends, having fun, being with the people I love and who appreciate me.
Depression wants to win. It wants to tell me to give up, stay in bed, cry all day, punch the wall in frustration, eat shitty food, and stop reaching out to my friends. I am determined not to let it win. I don’t want to hear those voices that tell me I am a terrible person. They are wrong, and one day I will learn to not to believe them. Underneath all the bullshit in my brain, I don’t actually think I am a bad person. I am someone who feels things on a deep level and people often misunderstand that. They try to diagnose me, put me in a box. You know what happens when you try to put me in a box I will bust out of that so fast, you won’t even know what hit you. I am “un-box-able.” I cannot be put in a category and won’t allow you to do that to me.
On the flip side of feeling depressed for me in unrelenting strong feelings of anger. I resent the fact that I feel down, I want it to stop, I need it to stop. But like I said earlier, you can’t “make feelings stop.” You have control over how you respond to them, but you can’t press a button and make them go away. As much as I want to leave depression behind at the depression amusement park looking for spare change in the depression arcade, I can’t do that. So the answer is that I live with it, I live through it, I experience my feelings, and I don’t judge myself. Well, I try not to judge myself. I have intrusive thoughts that try to make me judge myself harshly and I attempt to ignore them.
If you’re coping with depression right now, whether it’s situational or clinical depression, you can get help. Whether that means talking to your support system or seeking out a mental health professional. It might be worth paying for therapy because there is only so much your friends and family can help. They can support you and listen but ultimately finding a good therapist is invaluable.
How about you? Are you coping with depression? What helps you?