I find myself at a loss for what to say right now. I don’t want to say “anymore” because I want this feeling to be temporary. The reality is that I don’t know how long it’ll last but it certainly feels like forever. That’s the thing about feeling down, it feels like it’s SO long until it lifts. I have evidence to prove that it does lift. But man, I am fucking over being depressed. I’m over talking about it and complaining about the same shit over and over again. There are things in my life that are contributory factors but it’s just my brain at this point and I have a certain amount of “control” over what I do with my thoughts. Blah blah blah CBT, yeah I know what to do, but it’s kind of like going to the gym. I don’t want to exercise ever, so that’s kind of a bad example. But walking, I guess. I like to walk and do martial arts. So it’s like getting myself to the point where I am doing something physical. I know that after that activity I will feel better but it’s the impetus that I need to get to that thing that is so hard.
It’s kind of useless questioning why it’s hard. It’s just hard and I don’t want it to be hard anymore. Life isn’t easy though. Life is full of challenges and unexpected things and just when you think it’s easy life is like “hey NOPE!” And then you’re thinking, what the fuck? I thought things were going smoothly. As a side note, I think this is one of the reasons I like smooth peanut butter better than chunky. I don’t like dealing with obstacles and the chunks of chunky peanut butter seem awkward and complicated. I don’t want them in my mouth and I certainly don’t want to deal with the complicated-ness of life. I don’t have a choice though because inevitably life bitch slaps you. Yeah, that’s cool life. I’ll catch you on the rebound when I punch you in the gut. Anyone who claims that their life is always awesome is a liar because no one’s life is full of ups and downs. I’ve heard people say that life is like a roller coaster, but I don’t like roller coasters so that’s not a great analogy. And I like life the majority of the time; unless I’m having a shitty day and then I would like to return that day to the day store.
Sometimes going into stores helps me; particularly in the summertime because they are air-conditioned and smell nice. You know what also helps when I feel like “this” is cookies. I can take any of you in a cookie-eating contest. Bring it on people, bring it on. There’s also something comforting in word vomiting all of this. I have no idea where it’s going but I am practicing my writing muscles. I guess I’m here to say that I’m still here and that’s great. How are you doing?
