I don’t particularly like to go to parties. I’m an introvert and it isn’t fun. So, it’s hard for me to be around lots of people. Especially if one of the people hurts my feelings. Yeah, that’s the other thing, I’m sensitive. It’s a drag and it makes me frustrated at times. I would rather be a robot. But instead, I am the complete opposite of that. I am a highly sensitive person and my feelings are easily hurt, unfortunately. So for example, if I were at a party and someone I didn’t know said something to me that hurt my feelings, I wouldn’t say anything to them directly because I don’t know them. Most likely, because of my sensitivity, I would go into the bathroom and cry. When someone hurts my feelings, whether I know them or not, it triggers me and I can’t figure out the exact reason why I’m upset at that moment. It takes me some time to process those feelings. Going into the bathroom gets me away from the situation and helps me be in a safe place. It’s like when I used to cry in the shower and hide from my kids so they didn’t see it happening.
When I feel intense emotions I don’t want anyone to see me. Unless I am extremely close to you, I don’t feel comfortable showing that level of vulnerability to you. There have been times that I’ve cried publicly. I’ve cried at work in various scenarios or on the subway or the bus, but I prefer not to do that. I would rather be in some sort of private setting so that I can process emotions with myself by myself. There have been times that I cried on the train in New York and a random stranger asked if I was okay. That was actually kind of nice. The thing is, sometimes I can’t help it if I have to cry. It’s like having to use the bathroom when you gotta go, you gotta go.
When I have to cry, I have to cry. It’s a matter of where I cry. Having a good cathartic cry is something that can’t be replicated. It’s a distinct feeling and it helps me get my emotions out of my body. When I cry it’s a full body experience. The emotion begins in my chest and then comes out of my eyes. I don’t try to stop myself from crying, although when I was a child I did. I would feel the lump in my throat and try to push it back down because I was embarrassed that I might cry. I cried a lot as a kid. I have always been sensitive and when I was in school, I felt misunderstood. Another kid would make a snide remark about the way I ate my lunch and I would feel that lump in my throat rise. But I didn’t succumb to it, I held my tears inside.
I don’t do that anymore. If I’m at a party, I don’t know you and you hurt me, I am going to excuse myself, go to a private place like the bathroom or a coat closet and cry. It’s my right to feel my feelings.
