I am here now, typing these words. I don’t exactly know what to say, but I do know that I am sitting in a chair writing. It’s neither happy nor sad. I don’t feel anger nor do I feel frustration. I feel like me in this moment. I am not judging what I feel or why. I know that I have a right to be here, and so I honor those feelings. There will be moments in the future where I have feelings, but those moments are not this moment. As the words flow through me, I accept what they are. I don’t know what they WILL BE, nor do I need to know. That’s something that I struggle with as I feel panic or anxiety. I want to know the future and that isn’t possible.
I don’t own a crystal ball as much as I wish that I did. Actually, I don’t know if I would want a crystal ball or a magic 8 ball or the ability to see what is going to happen. Sure, I read tarot cards, but that’s more to understand what I am feeling and how I can help myself. I am an intuitive person and it helps my intuition to use my tarot cards for ME, not for anyone else.
Another superpower I don’t wish that I had is the ability to read people’s minds. I do have a sense when something is off with a friend or family member, but I don’t know what they are thinking on a specific level and I’m so grateful for that. People think all sorts of things, and they don’t share every single thought with us. Can you imagine if they did? That would be a fucking disaster. Personally, I have a lot of garbage thoughts that I would likely not share with others. I am an open person, but there is a limit or cap to that openness.
People who are mysterious or closed emotionally bother me. I find it hard to accept the fact that I don’t know even a little bit of what they’re thinking. I wish they would tell me because it enhances my anxiety not to know. Yes, I understand that I said I don’t want to mind read, but hearing what other people are thinking is different from reading their minds. Hearing what others are thinking is me wanting to be closer to them. Hearing what my friends feel helps me to be more comfortable being around them. I have several close friendships and those connections tend to be with people who tell me what they feel and why they’re feeling it.
I’m curious, to anyone who is reading this post: Are you emotionally open or emotionally unavailable? I should do a survey and find out how many of us are emotionally unavailable. I’m not sure of what the ratios would be, but I am fascinated by this dichotomy. Isn’t dichotomy a great word? I don’t get the chance to use it often, so when I can I seize that opportunity.
This post started out being about mindfulness and not knowing how I feel and now it’s about so many things. If you can answer any of the questions in this blog post please do so. Hope you’re having a great day.