Sometimes you don’t have to call a friend

Sometimes you don’t have to call a friend when things seem dire. This doesn’t apply to every time. But I can speak for myself when I say that I often reach out to a friend when I am feeling extremely anxious. This is a form of self soothing. But it’s not always possible. Sometimes people can’t pick up the phone for example.

In those cases it’s important to be able to self soothe. I am working on learning ways to do that and my therapist is helping as well. If you are having trouble learning these skills you can work on them in therapy and sometimes you may not even have to pay for that form of counseling.

So what does self soothing look like? Let’s say that you have an intrusive thought. It causes your heart to race and it’s the only thing that you can think about in this moment. Look around you and notice five things that you see. A tree, the road, wheels on a car, my feet and the coffee shop I am standing in front of.

By naming these things out loud I was able to focus on something other than my anxiety. It distracted my brain from feeling badly. This is a grounding exercise that you can use when you feel like anxiety is running the show.

Another thing you can do is take out your journal or notebook you have in your bag and start writing. Writing is free therapy and it’s a wonderful practice to do when you’re feeling depressed, anxious or even angry of frustrated.

If you don’t have anything to write with you can type your feelings into a note on your phone. You can even write yourself an email with how you’re feeling and save it or delete it; it’s your choice.

Breathing is an excellent way to ground yourself. You’ve probably heard about this so much that you’re sick of hearing it but I’m going to tell you about it anyway. Breathe in through your nose and feel your lungs fill up with air and then breathe out through your mouth. Your breath is always with you and can help you snap back into your body. This is great for obsessive thoughts. There have been times when I felt like I am looking at myself from the outside in. Once I started to use my breath I felt immediately more grounded and calmer. I know it can be hard to believe that breathing can help you. I was skeptical too but it does work for me. Try this and see if it works for you when you’re feeling especially anxious.

Your first line of defense against anxiety or any other uncomfortable feeling is to try to manage it by yourself. This is what I’m trying to do before I reach out to a friend. If you’re having difficulty then I would suggest reaching out to your friend after you try these things.

Dealing with anxiety is not easy but we can practice these techniques to help ourselves feel better. What technique works for you when you are trying to self soothe?

I was talking to this mom recently and we were exchanging life stories. She and I commiserated on a lot of different topics. During the conversation, she said, “people tell me that they see a therapist and I say, I don’t need a therapist. That’s what I have friends for.” In my mind, I thought it was a good point but I see the value in therapy since I’ve been in it for half of my life. I juggled with the idea in my mind of trying to show her the value of therapy. I wondered if that was something I needed or was obligated to do.

I casually mentioned that I do have a therapist and I like her a lot. The mom was accepting of this and we each saw each other’s side. It was actually kind of a nice interaction where I didn’t feel judged and I don’t think she did either.

This conversation got me thinking: can you be your own therapist? What if you had the ability to work through your problems without the help of a professional to guide you? There is a form of therapy called Client-Centered Therapy or Person-Centered Therapy where the person on the couch leads the session. It’s kind of interesting and in some ways you are your own therapist. The therapist is taking your initiative and encouraging you to help yourself.

I guess it is possible to help yourself without a therapist too. You could journal, lean on the support of your friends and family and things. But when you have legitimate mental health concerns, generally I would recommend working with a therapist rather than doing it on your own. It’s sort of like climbing a mountain; you could do it by yourself, but wouldn’t it be easier with someone who knew the trail to guide you?

That’s how I look at therapists. They are trailblazers of the mind; helping people to help themselves. When you get stuck on something they help you to get unstuck.

But the question remains: can you be your own therapist? Do you really need one? I don’t know. I’ve heard people talk about becoming dependent on their therapist, which to me seems possible. But if you recognize that the purpose of going to therapy is to find the tools to help yourself, then you’re less likely to fall into this pattern.

I guess the idea is that we can’t determine what is going to work best for one person. All we know is what works for us. We can be there to support our friends in time of need, but that’s not about being their therapist, that’s about being a friend. Having genuine empathy for your friends is important. It still doesn’t take the place of a therapist.

Actually, a pet peeve of mine is when a friend starts to act like my therapist. Be my friend, not my clinician.

What do you think? Do you think that your friends can take the place of a therapist or not?

Can you be friends with your ex? This is a question that people have many conflicting opinions on. If you have children together, it is to your benefit to be friends with this person at least have an amicable relationship with them. However, if you have no familial ties to your ex then you do not have an obligation to remain friends with them. I think the most challenging thing when trying to remain friends with your ex is seeing that the relationship is different from when you were together.

I believe some space is required for this to be possible. If you try to be friends right away you’ll be reminded of memories of you two going on dates or romantic getaways. Once you break up, try not to reach out to your ex for as long as humanly possible. This allows you time to heal from the break up and you don’t continually aggravate the wound. This can be challenging but it is for your benefit. The tricky thing is what if they reach out to you? It’s up to you to set the boundary and say “I need some space right now.” If you don’t do this then you’ll end up in a gray area and confuse what is going on in the relationship. Are you together or not? Once you’ve had some space from each other (maybe a month or so) it’s reasonable to go out to dinner and reevaluate, but not when you first breakup; the wound is too fresh.